Can’t Wait to Hate you- The Dream
I jump up out my bed grab my clothes
And I throw on my coat out the door
And I’m, today I’m gonna get over you, you, you
Yeah, and I hop in the car
Push the button on the automatic start
Right on the seat I see a scarf I gave to you
Oh, memories start comin’ back
No room for reverse I can’t back back
I’m sittin’ in the car but I can’t back back
So, I’m slumped over the wheel of the car
And all I can think of is a broken heart
And all I can think of is why we’re apart
We went round for round
‘Til we knocked love out
We were laying in the ring not making a sound
And if that’s a metaphor of you and I
Why is it so hard to say goodbye
I can’t wait to hate you
Oh, the things you put me through
I wanna move on
I can’t wait to hate you
Oh, the days you left my heart all alone
I can’t wait to hate you
This is all crazy
And I can’t come to grips with the fact that you’re gone
I can’t wait to hate you
Ooooo Oh
Jump up out my bed grab my clothes
And I throw on my coat out the door
And I’m, today I’m gonna get over you
Press the button on the automatic start
Right on the seat I see a scarf I gave to you
Oh, memories start comin’ back
No room for reverse I can’t back back
I’m sittin’ in the car but I can’t back back
So, I’m slumped over the wheel of the car
And all I can think of is a broken heart
And all I can think of is why we’re apart
We went round for round
‘Til we knocked love out
We were laying in the ring not making a sound
And if that’s a metaphor of you and I
Why is it so hard to say goodbye
I can’t wait to hate you
Oh, the things you put me through
I wanna move on
I can’t wait to hate you
Oh, the days you left my heart all alone
I can’t wait to hate you
This is all crazy and I can’t come to grips with the fact that you’re gone
I can’t wait to hate you
Ohhhhh Oh
Necessity.
Necessity, to be essential, indispensable, needed.
I prefer to keep so few near and dear to me.
It seems I am afraid of letting people in, but maybe not…
…because when I fall, I need them to help me stand again. & I would do the same.I know they’ll be there at the end of the day.
When I am at a point so low, any understanding, effort, or shoulder to lean on is essential. & if it needs to be requested, the source is unnecessary.
…we lost.
I can’t have it all,
The things you’ve done for me, the things you say to me, the way you care, the way you treat me… it would make anyone happy. I’m sorry that I’m scared, that I’m not ready. It’s such a betrayal. The thing that makes it so hard is that closeness we lose. I suppose being in this state, neither of us will be happy, or free.. not anytime soon at least.
You terrify me, seeing you hurt.. hurts me. Letting me go to find what I’m looking for, it must be such a bad feeling. You waiting.. if I was in that place I would find it unbearable, sharing someone you love that much.
Look at this damage that I’ve caused you.. you don’t deserve it at all.
Save yourself.
You’ve got to be cruel…
…to be kind. Or so the saying goes. Maybe it’s just what some people use to justify the things they want to do. So recently I’ve gone through a bout of sickness, which was not pleasant to say the least. However, through this I’ve learned to realize how my priorities can get shifted around so easily. Without going into too much detail, a fair amount of reflection has been done in these past 2 weeks. The result? It’s like I’ve been awakened from a deep slumber, a deep sleep that I’ve been in for a long time. I was so carried away in this little world, I forgot that things were happening all around me, and it’s time to get back to it. Change is not the easiest thing, and it feels there is never quite the perfect time for it, but once the changes are made, you may realize it was necessary. That, or one of the biggest mistakes of your life, but we don’t realize that until it’s much too late. This change, I know it is something I need.
Anyways. I’ve been happy lately (:
I’m falling hold me, and will you catch me?
Again and again, there’s just something about the beginning, or maybe I am just a silly girl.
I’ve never been so honest & it feels so good.
Why did I wait so long?
What now.
Sometimes in life you need to take the fall. So here I am, free-falling.
I’ll admit it, I was scared. This turned out to be the longest weekend I’ve had in a long time. It was calm, maybe even too calm.
Taking time to just be myself.
Sidenote: I find myself filtering many things I say, only to be completely honest with a few people. I should stop filtering too much, I’m coming across as colder than usual, but I’m really not much different. Terrible, aren’t I.
One thing I know I need right now, is to focus.
Check-up
I’ve been neglecting to update, so I’ll start it up:
Heart: What is this. Unacceptable. Patience is needed. Guidance is needed. Done a bit of “soul-searching” type thinking lately, since I’ve so much time (which has been rare, so I’m thankful), conclusion? Details spared, as usual, the heart wants what it can’t have. A very confusing statement, but nothing terrible to say the least.
Academia: New school term, new house, new housemates, new classes. Living close to campus is good, having great housemates is even better, feeling motivated in most classes is the best. I’m quite happy with it all.
..to be continued.
Honesty
Dearest loved ones,
To be honest, I have been an emotional mess recently. I need to find myself again. I’m falling short on supporting you, as I am struggling to support myself.
Please be patient with me.
Love, Mandee.
[edit]; Furthermore, I appreciate you. Thank you.
Lately.
EDIT: I just don’t want to rely on people anymore. I’m a hassle.
..so lately, I find I’ve very little patience. I guess it is my own fault to have built such a small garden, I’m now walking around in circles with few corners to turn to. I wouldn’t mind if I was deliriously happy in a small garden, I think it’d be blissful. I know it wasn’t the best long term choice.. but nurturing all these friendships are so hard. & just because you spend countless hours and effort on a relationship of any type, doesn’t guarantee an equal or greater reciprocation. (I didn’t mean for things to sound so technical.) I also find placing your happiness in others’ hands is a very risky thing to do. It’s just difficult, not impossible. If you really want to, you try your best to achieve it, as long as there is a chance.
Lately I’ve been the kind of person to need others around me, to support me, to accompany me, to keep me from getting lonely. Maybe it is because I am an only child. For me solitude is bearable because for a long time I had no choice… but really these walls around us, they’re really just preventing chances for us to get hurt. So.. I put those walls up more than 2 years ago and they are still there. They don’t block out everything, but for the longest time I thought I couldn’t miss what I didn’t have. The problem now is, I miss it. Very much.
I have everything I want as of now. I’m not sure I have everything I need.
What do I do?
I don’t even know who to ask. (more…)
