Darling.

“Darling, you fucked up.”

Yes, I know. It may seem like I am not doing anything right, or that some things aren’t as they should be; but I’m trying. The amount of effort I’m giving, well if I had even half of that from you I’d be in a more stable place. Everything has conditions, now even family I suppose. All I really wanted was some solid support, with the inconsistency I’d rather have none of it at all.

男朋友。

每個女孩身邊都有一個不是男朋友的男朋友。

你們可能相愛過，
你們也可能喜歡著彼此，
但是，
為了什麼原因你們沒能在一起？

也許他為了朋友之間的義氣，不能追你。
也許為了顧及家人的意見，你們沒有在一起。
也許為了出國深造，他沒有要你等他。
也許你們相遇太早，還不懂得珍惜對方。
也許你們相遇太晚，你們身邊已經有了另一個人。
也許你回頭太遲，對方已不再等待。
也許你們彼此在捉摸對方的心，而遲遲無法跨出界線。

不過即使你們沒在一起，你們還是保持了朋友的關係。
但是你們心底清楚，對這個人，你比朋友還多了一份關心。

即使不能跟他名正言順的牽著手逛街，你們還是可以做無所不談的朋友。

他有喜歡的人，你口頭上會幫他追，心裏卻不是很清楚你是不是真的希望他追到。

他遇到困難時，你會盡你所能的幫他，不會計較誰又欠了誰。

男女朋友吃醋了，你會安撫他們說你和他只是朋友，但你心中會有那麼一絲的不確定。

每個人這輩子，心中都有過這麼一個特別的朋友，很矛盾的行為。

一開始你不甘心只做朋友的，但久了，突然發現這樣最好。你寧願這樣關心他，總好過你們在一起而有天會分手。

你寧願做他的朋友，彼此不會吃醋，才可以真的無所不談。

特別是這樣，你還是知道，他永遠會關心你的。

做不成男女朋友，當他那個特別的朋友，有什麼不好呢？你心中的這個特別的朋友…?

是誰呢？

很多的感情，都因為一廂情願，最後連朋友都當不成了。常常覺得惋惜，可惜一些本來很好的友情。

最後卻因為對方的一句喜歡你，如果你沒有反應，這一段友情似乎也難以維持下去，這也難怪有些人會因此不肯踏出這一步。
因為這就像是一場賭注，表白了之後不是成了男女朋友，要不就連朋友都當不成了。

有些事不是你能預料的，或許對方不在意，你們還可以是朋友，但卻已經不如從前的好.

- I came across this somewhere.. & it’s true.

*

- I seem to have trouble lying to myself lately.

Necessity.

Necessity, to be essential, indispensable, needed.

I prefer to keep so few near and dear to me.

It seems I am afraid of letting people in, but maybe not…

…because when I fall, I need them to help me stand again. & I would do the same.I know they’ll be there at the end of the day.

When I am at a point so low, any understanding, effort, or shoulder to lean on is essential. & if it needs to be requested, the source is unnecessary.

…we lost.

I can’t have it all,

The things you’ve done for me, the things you say to me, the way you care, the way you treat me… it would make anyone happy. I’m sorry that I’m scared, that I’m not ready. It’s such a betrayal. The thing that makes it so hard is that closeness we lose. I suppose being in this state, neither of us will be happy, or free.. not anytime soon at least.

You terrify me, seeing you hurt.. hurts me. Letting me go to find what I’m looking for, it must be such a bad feeling. You waiting.. if I was in that place I would find it unbearable, sharing someone you love that much.

Look at this damage that I’ve caused you.. you don’t deserve it at all.

Save yourself.

I’m falling hold me, and will you catch me?

Again and again, there’s just something about the beginning, or maybe I am just a silly girl.

I’ve never been so honest & it feels so good.

Why did I wait so long?

What now.

Sometimes in life you need to take the fall. So here I am, free-falling.

I’ll admit it, I was scared. This turned out to be the longest weekend I’ve had in a long time. It was calm, maybe even too calm.

Taking time to just be myself.

Sidenote: I find myself filtering many things I say, only to be completely honest with a few people. I should stop filtering too much, I’m coming across as colder than usual, but I’m really not much different. Terrible, aren’t I.

One thing I know I need right now, is to focus.

Check-up

I’ve been neglecting to update, so I’ll start it up:
Heart: What is this. Unacceptable. Patience is needed. Guidance is needed. Done a bit of “soul-searching” type thinking lately, since I’ve so much time (which has been rare, so I’m thankful), conclusion? Details spared, as usual, the heart wants what it can’t have. A very confusing statement, but nothing terrible to say the least.
Academia: New school term, new house, new housemates, new classes. Living close to campus is good, having great housemates is even better, feeling motivated in most classes is the best. I’m quite happy with it all.

..to be continued.

Honesty

Dearest loved ones,

To be honest, I have been an emotional mess recently. I need to find myself again. I’m falling short on supporting you, as I am struggling to support myself.

Please be patient with me.

Love, Mandee.

[edit]; Furthermore, I appreciate you. Thank you.

Lately.

EDIT: I just don’t want to rely on people anymore. I’m a hassle.

..so lately, I find I’ve very little patience. I guess it is my own fault to have built such a small garden, I’m now walking around in circles with few corners to turn to. I wouldn’t mind if I was deliriously happy in a small garden, I think it’d be blissful. I know it wasn’t the best long term choice.. but nurturing all these friendships are so hard. & just because you spend countless hours and effort on a relationship of any type, doesn’t guarantee an equal or greater reciprocation. (I didn’t mean for things to sound so technical.) I also find placing your happiness in others’ hands is a very risky thing to do. It’s just difficult, not impossible. If you really want to, you try your best to achieve it, as long as there is a chance.

Lately I’ve been the kind of person to need others around me, to support me, to accompany me, to keep me from getting lonely. Maybe it is because I am an only child. For me solitude is bearable because for a long time I had no choice… but really these walls around us, they’re really just preventing chances for us to get hurt. So.. I put those walls up more than 2 years ago and they are still there. They don’t block out everything, but for the longest time I thought I couldn’t miss what I didn’t have. The problem now is, I miss it. Very much.

I have everything I want as of now. I’m not sure I have everything I need.

What do I do?

I don’t even know who to ask.